Love stories can end in divorce
http://europe.chinadaily.com.cn/china/2013-03/27/content_16347729.htm
Increasing number of couples need guidance to keep spark
alive, reports He Na in Shanghai.
Having been selected as a parents' representative at his
son's primary school in Shanghai,
Wang Huan was invited to make a speech at the opening ceremony for the new
semester. As the owner of four companies, Wang, 40, is used to public speaking
and handled his duties well. His performance won warm applause from the
audience, including his 39-year-old wife and young son.
When he went back to his seat, 9-year-old Wang Xiaotian gave
his father a close hug and a big kiss. "I am the happiest child in the
world," said the little boy as he piled his parents' hands on top of his
own.
Wang and his wife smiled at each other in a touching family
scene that was observed with envy by many other parents.
In Xiaotian's eyes, his parents are a wonderful couple. Even
after 10 years of marriage, they are always polite to each other and never
quarrel, fight, or even raise their voices. However, the little boy has only
observed a small part of his parents' relationship and is unaware of the
stresses and strains on the relationship caused by an episode that almost led
to divorce.
Wang's wife quit her job after giving birth, meaning that
her husband had to provide for all the family's financial needs. He has given
his family the best life he can afford, but his busy work schedule and the
expansion of his businesses have inevitably led to him spending less and less
time with the family, leading to an estrangement.
"I even found it hard to find topics that interested us
both," said Wang Huan's wife. She applied to study abroad, hoping to
rescue the situation by updating her knowledge and expanding her world view.
However, to her surprise, when she returned home full of
hope 12 months later, she found a divorce application waiting for her.
Wang confessed that he had fallen in love with another
woman, but his wife flatly refused to accept the divorce petition, despite the
offer of a large sum of money as compensation.
Fearing that going to court would affect his son and his
business, Wang turned to Shu Xin, a director of the online marriage guidance
program Weiqing120 and head of the China Marriage and Family Counseling
Center.
"Wang's case is very common nowadays," said Shu.
"According to our research, more than 60 percent of marriages in China are
in seriously 'poor health', a state of affairs indicated by the couples having
nothing to say to each other, a lack of passion, extramarital affairs and
frequent quarrels about trivial matters. Although people can maintain a
troubled relationship, the trials and conflicts can accumulate to a toxic level
and easily lead to the marriage collapsing."
Shu had long talks with the two women. He discovered that
Wang's wife was a pleasant, elegant and knowledgeable woman, who still loved
her husband. She was also deeply concerned about the possible impact on the boy
if the divorce went through.
On the other hand, Wang's lover, in her early 30s, had no
idea how to handle a small child or live with an extended family.
"I told Wang my thoughts on the two women. My words
seemed to remind him of something and he murmured that he would think things
over," said Shu. "To further help him make a decision, I asked the
women to each write a letter containing the words they most wanted to say to
him. Unsurprisingly, Wang was moved to tears after he'd read the letter his
wife had written. He told me that they had been forced to overcome great
difficulties to get married and had experienced many happy days in the
past."
The story has a happy ending; Wang's lover agreed to end the
affair, but only after he bought her a property.
"Thanks to Shu's help I made the right decision. Now I
get on well with my wife, just like when we were first married. My son really
enjoys the time we spend together," said Wang.
Shu said, "It's only when a marriage has descended to a
level where there are no words to say and love and sex don't exist anymore,
that I will pronounce a death sentence on it. After two decades of research, I
realize that most divorces are avoidable, even if the marriage is deeply
troubled."
China's
divorce rate has risen sharply in recent years, sounding alarm bells across a
nation that attaches great importance to family harmony. Experts have warned
that more measures are needed to save increasingly fragile families. If they
fail, the consequences could be disastrous.
Thirteen million couples were married in 2011, an increase
of 4.9 percent from 2010, according to the Ministry of Civil Affairs. However,
the year also saw 2.87 million marriages end in divorce, a rise of 7.3 percent
from 2010 and equal to more than 5,000 couples divorcing every day.
The reasons can seem trivial and sometimes even comical. Shu
is working on a case in which a husband has filed for divorce because he and
his wife are unable to agree on which set of parents they will stay with during
Spring Festival next year. The husband insisted on the divorce after his wife
muttered some vague, angry words about his parents.
Another seemingly trivial case Shu recalled was that of a
businessman who wanted to divorce his wife after she inadvertently broke wind
and embarrassed him in front of important business partners during a very
formal meeting.
"Many cases have been reported where the couple
divorced within a year of marriage. In the most extreme cases, couples have
registered and divorced on the same day. People are too hasty in getting
married and lack a sense of responsibility to both family and society,"
said Wu Changzhen, a professor who specializes in civil, marital and family law
at China University of Political Science and Law.
"No nationwide data is available on cases where divorce
has resulted in criminal activity, for example when a spurned spouse has
arranged for his or her former partner to be beaten or worse. But our research
during recent years indicates that the high divorce rate is actually
proportionate to a rise in criminal cases. Most murders are the result of
extramarital affairs. It's of the utmost importance that we take the necessary
measures to intervene and save failing marriages," she said.
Chen Yiyun, a marriage researcher at the Chinese Academy
of Social Sciences, said: "Many people will laugh when they hear some of
the reasons for divorce, but for me it's not funny at all. Society will
disintegrate if the family dissolves, and this is a fundamental cause of many
social problems. It not only affects the lives, work and families of those who
divorce, it also affects their children's upbringing.
"The rate of juvenile crime committed by children from
single-parent families is three times higher than that of children from
integrated families. The rising numbers of extramarital affairs and domestic
violence also increasingly threaten social stability and greatly raise the cost
of law enforcement."
'Marital medics'
"Running a marriage is just like running a business.
Couples need to communicate and a 'cold war' is never recommended as a way of
solving marital problems. On the contrary, the longer a failing marriage keeps
limping along, the greater the likelihood of an irrevocable breakdown,"
said Chen.
"If a person is in poor health, they need to see a
doctor, otherwise long-term neglect could eventually lead to a fatal disease.
Failing marriages are very similar. When problems arise, the couple needs to
see a 'doctor' to diagnose the problem and regain their marital health,"
she said.
Realizing the social hazards inherent in high rates of
divorce, while seeking to improve the quality of marriage and help people solve
their marital crises, the Ministry of Civil Affairs is promoting the Family
Harmony Project.
The nonprofit program, carried out under the auspices of the
ministry, was launched in Shanghai
on March 6. It aims to provide a greater number of highly skilled professional
councilors and psychologists to work as "marriage doctors and nurses"
to enhance the work of improving relationships and maintaining social
stability.
The first batch of 300 counselors will work in businesses
and communities and with families in crisis, providing advice to 100,000
couples.
Two websites, jiahegongcheng and weiqing120, along with a
24-hour hotline (4008-120-089), are available to help those in need. If a
marriage cannot be repaired, the "marital medics" will also provide
services to protect the legal rights of the divorcing couple.
The hotline receives more than 1,000 calls a day, of which
70 percent concern extramarital affairs.
"Marriage doctors and nurses are psychologists and
marriage counselors who are keen to help marriages on the brink of failure.
They volunteer to teach people how to maintain their marriage and keep it
healthy and happy," said Shu.
"No amount of career success can replace the success of
a good marriage, because career success only accompanies you for a certain time
but your marriage can be with you for your entire life. I have seen so many
people who drive luxury cars and own large enterprises and property, but
without a happy marriage, even their careers are affected negatively. The
project is meaningful and practical in solving real problems. An old Chinese
proverb says 'A harmonious family can lead to success in everything'. I hope
the project can be promoted nationwide, because it can be one of the most
effective ways of stabilizing society," said Chen.
"The reasons for marital breakdown are becoming
increasingly complicated and that's leading to rising demand for the expertise
of the marriage doctors and nurses. Although most of the counselors are highly
qualified as psychologists and marriage counselors, more training should be
available," said Wei Mingzhen, founder of the first marriage hospital in Hubei province and deputy director of the China Marriage
and Family Counseling Center.
Some names in this article have been changed to protect
confidentiality.
Contact the writer at hena@chinadaily.com.cn.
Jiang Xueqing and Peng Yining contributed to this story.
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