New Manners for New Time

Letitia Baldrige's New Manners for New Times: A Complete Guide to Etiquette

Complete Guide to New Manners

Read an Excerpt

Chapter 1

The Executive at Ease on the Job

Everyone has qualms when they're starting out in the business world. Even senior managers who have excelled in the workplace for decades confess to concern when plunged into strange, new territory, entering unknown situations, dealing with strangers about whom they know nothing other than their brief bios and some second-hand opinions.

The purpose of a book like this on human interactions and behavior is to give you information that can become a useful set of tools to help make life at work easier and more successful.

Everyone who goes to work wants to feel at ease or "socially comfortable" in his or her surroundings. An executive known as someone at ease is a person who makes others around him comfortable too.

No one wants to be conspicuous by acting unsophisticated or unknowing. A person at ease walks with grace through the workplace. He thinks about other people, and that unconsciously takes his mind off himself and gives him poise. The fact that others get along well with him is not defined by his designer-made clothes or car of the moment. Rather, it's defined by something as simple as using three common phrases that are automatic, instinctive parts of his everyday vocabulary: "Please," "I'm sorry," and "Thank you." It's that simple. He doesn't have to own Cartier panthère cufflinks, know how to gossip in a foreign language, or choose the perfect wine every time in a restaurant.

A cold, ill-at-ease person would say to an employee, "Sorry, but you're going to have to stay tonight until you've analyzed this report and made the required number of copies. We need it for tomorrow's seven o'clock meeting." An at-ease executive would say, "Jim, I hate to have to ask you to stay late to finish the report and the copies tonight, but you're the only one who knows how to make sense out of this. We'll make it up to you for messing up your evening, I promise."

BEING AT EASE ANYWHERE IN THE BUSINESS WORLD

There is no rest when you are helping to manage a business. You have an excess of responsibility. You must motivate and guide people; watch over their safety, benefits, and health; realize profits; keep morale high; and avoid any criticism of the firm for exploitation of its employees or racism, sexism, or discrimination.

Luckily, a good manager usually has a good mindset, a positive attitude that is inherent in his actions toward the company, its employees, and the common goals they all share. This attitude is natural and automatic. A good manager does not have to force himself to summon up superhuman strength or a feeling of compassion, or dose of courage, to handle the inevitable people problems that arise in day-to-day work situations. He handles them quickly, fairly, and with insight and understanding.

A good manager is constantly concerned about the morale of the people on his watch. His employees, in turn, care about his morale, too, and enjoy doing a good job for him. That's teamwork!

Here are some of the components of an executive's behavior that make others want to be on his team:

Knowing When to Say "Please"

Whether you're asking the waitress at the diner to bring you another cup of breakfast coffee or asking your secretary to go to the copy machine, "please" should come forth without self-prompting or even consciously thinking about it. Hollywood, unfortunately, has set a bad example: Network TV shows feature sitcom stars yelling orders to people in their offices as well as waiters or shopkeepers. There's never a "please" at the beginning or end. You should view with dismay America's favorite child TV stars ordering around their teachers and parents in their shows each week. These kids would last about four days on a job in the business world.

Fortunately, the real world bears little resemblance to the screen world, because no matter how bad the manners around us seem to be, most children come to learn that when they grow up, their jobs will depend on how well they behave, not how much they can get away with.

How Many Times a Day Should One Say "Please?"

If you are in the business world, it's impossible to count the number of times. When you make even the slightest request of someone, you should begin or end it with "please." For every favor you ask, "please" should be the entrance or exit word.

To your spouse: "Please help me entertain the boss at Sunday lunch. I need your help."

To the taxi driver: "Take me to La Guardia Airport, please."

To the hotel cashier: "Please give me my bill for room 803."

To your secretary: "Please fax this to John Garrett, with a copy also to Joan Scribner in New Orleans."

To the waiter: "I'd like to see the wine list, please."

To the CEO: "Please note his criticism of our strategy plan in the second paragraph. It's pretty strong."

Knowing How to Apologize

 "Letter of Apology," Chapter 7

The short phrase "I'm sorry" means so much to the person to whom it is addressed, even when you have to push yourself to utter it. Whatever your motivation, when an apology is called for, make it! For example:

• If you misdial someone on the phone, say "I'm terribly sorry, wrong number," rather than just slam down the receiver in the other person's ear.

• If you do something really hurtful, such as forgetting an appointment:

• Telephone your sincere apology.

• Follow it up with a personal note of apology.

• Send flowers or a gift of some kind, such as fruit, wine, or candy, to reinforce your apology.

• If a stranger does something nice, like picking up something you just dropped on the street but didn't notice, tell him with a warm smile of appreciation that he has really "made your day."

• If you arrive late at a meeting, apologize to the chairman or the host and to the others you have kept waiting.

• When you give someone in your office too much work to do on an emergency basis, use all three of these phrases:

"Please do it."

"I'm sorry to have to ask you to do this."

"Thank you very much for doing it."

• If you do something like bump a person as you move rapidly through a hallway, react quickly with a sincere "I'm really sorry. I certainly didn't mean to do that." Your words will diffuse the hostility your act may have engendered.

• If you cause damage to a colleague's possession, apologize profusely, then offer to have it fixed or replaced. For example, when you're a guest in a co-worker's, client's, or your boss's home:

• If you stain your host's good tablecloth at dinner, arrange to take it to the best dry cleaner available.

• If you spill something on his pale-colored carpet, arrange to have it professionally cleaned.

• If you break something, arrange to have it repaired at the best repair shop in town.

No matter what damage you do in someone else's home or office, always do the best you can to make amends — and write a good letter of apology.

Knowing How to Say "Thank You"

 "Informal Business Letters" and "Letters of Acknowledgment and Thanks," Chapter 7

We should thank people a lot more than we do — automatically — but if we think about what we are thanking them for, we'll be more sincere. Some examples of the kinds of situations in our everyday lives where a little expression of gratitude can be very effective:

• When someone goes back to your office to get your glasses for a meeting

• When someone from the mailroom brings you the mail

• When a gas station attendant finishes filling your tank with gas

• When someone opens a door for you or holds the elevator door for you

• When someone serves you in any capacity, whether it's your secretary who brings papers to your desk or the person in the employee cafeteria who hands a plate of food across the counter

• When anyone gives you a gift of any kind

• When someone does a favor for you

• When someone praises you

Ways in Which to Say "Thank You" for Substantive Favors or Gifts

• Spoken. Convenient if you happen to run into the person. Careless and not very effective.

• Telephone. Effective, but only if done within twenty-four hours; if the call is made after that, it seems like an afterthought, not a sincere gesture.

• Written. The most effective, because it's on the record and can be shown around and reread.

Compliments — The Best Way to Accept and Give Them

 "Acknowledging a Compliment," Chapter 7

Nothing is more affirmative than a compliment. Naturally, that compliment should not be exaggerated, snide, or phony, because then it turns into a negative gesture.

Say it from the heart.

A Smart Manager Compliments The Staff

Employees may feel they're doing a good job, but they don't know it until they hear it. Praise your staff when they do good work — when they get things done on time, when they make an extra effort, when they deserve special recognition. Sure, you may see to it that they get a raise the next pay period, but say it with words, not just a personnel action for increased compensation. People need encouragement as they progress in their job. Of course, you should correct any errors or laxities in their work, but how about telling them what a good job they've done on this and that?

Complimenting Your Peers

Many of our parents brought us up according to the rule, "If you can't say anything nice about someone, just don't open your mouth." Not bad advice.

There's always something you can find to compliment about anyone. It may be the color of a fellow executive's tie, or the print of a woman executive's scarf; it might be an employee's new haircut or snappy looking briefcase; it could be the good looks of his children, as seen in the snapshot on his desk; or the amazing progress an executive in the international division has made with her weekend Japanese lessons. Open your eyes; you'll see it. Then it's up to you to comment on it. It makes people feel good; it lifts their spirits.

The people with whom you spend all day — your co-workers — deserve your praise and cheering up. You have no idea how much influence you can have when you make your peers happy in their jobs. It's another example of an individual' s power for good.

Compliments Are to Be Accepted, Not Rejected

Nothing can take the wind out of a person's sails faster than to have one's compliment rejected. If someone says to you, "I think the proposal you presented this morning was first-rate," the last thing he wants to hear you say is, "I thought I did a lousy job of presenting it. I left out half the strong points." The fact that you personally felt you did not do a good job does not matter. Take the compliment in the spirit in which it was given.

If people compliment you on your appearance, don't correct them and point out all the negatives. For example, if someone says, "You look particularly bright and chipper this morning," don't make a retort, "I feel terrible, my eyes are all puffy from allergies, and I think I look awful."

What is the right way to accept a compliment? "Thank you. That's really nice of you!"

When a manager walks with ease through a business day, he makes everyone around him feel more at ease in turn. When he sets an example of excellence, courtesy, and caring, others rise to meet his standards. This is true leadership, out of which teamwork develops.

If You're a Mean Person, Eventually You'll Get Caught Being Mean

It's amazing how often a person is caught in his private life, away from the office, when he thinks he's free to act as he darn well pleases. A prime example of this is the young, freshly recuited manager, top of his class at Harvard Business School, who was observed one Saturday (by the wife of the CEO of his new corporation) in the supermarket's overcrowded parking lot. The manager did not see her, however. He had recently been to his boss's home for a lunch where he had impressed everyone with his graceful manners and charm.

The young business school graduate, driving a fancy sports car and bursting with impatience, looked around the congested parking lot and quickly solved his parking problem by pulling into a spot clearly marked for the handicapped, next to the front door of the store, and shutting out a driver who really was handicapped. By the time the CEO heard the report of this incident from his furious wife, who had spent fifteen minutes trying to find a nonhandicapped parking space, he decided to fire the young newcomer while it was still legally possible. At work that week, the boss told him he had been seen by his wife pulling a fast one after lunch on Saturday. "True meanness just isn't part of our corporate culture," he explained. "You won't go very far in this company, so you'd be better off working elsewhere."

The story has a happy ending, fortunately. The fired manager found another job and proceeded to work hard on weekends and at nighttime donating his services to the local hospital. At the end of a year he was given an award as the outstanding volunteer in the suburban community, which his old boss read about in the newspaper. He got his old job back.

When You're the New Kid on the Block

When you join a company, either in your first executive position or as a transfer from another company, you might as well accept the fact that you will be an object of curiosity and probably of some suspicion as well. You might also be a hate object for someone who thought he was going to obtain the position you have been retained to fill.

Remember, time is the great healer and dealer. It doesn't matter how cool the atmosphere may be when you arrive in your job. What matters is that you take your time to establish good personal relations and proceed slowly and carefully — the opposite of a shotgun approach. Here are some tips on how to handle yourself:

• Listen and learn, rather than do all the talking. Don't think you have to justify yourself to everyone. Spend your energies observing and asking smart questions rather than trying to let everyone know how much you know and how important you are.

• Be equally nice to everyone. The messenger may someday turn out to be your best friend in court. The receptionist may one day be able to give you the most important information of your life. The junior executive in the office next to yours whom you don't think is very important may one day be your boss.

• Don't make snap judgments about who's important, who's going to be your friend. You may change your mind about most of the people in the office, so it's smart not to form an opinion of anyone until you know them well and have seen them interact. Don't listen to negative stories about who's out to get whom, who's about to get fired, who's cheating. Resolve to keep an open mind and to make your own judgments later — much later.

• Ask your peers to lunch, one by one (one a week, for example). Get to know them on an easy, informal basis. It will be money well invested. Assume an "I honestly need your help to learn how this company works" attitude. If you make your peers understand that you need their assistance, that you know less than they do but need to know more in order to become a good team member, you will find they will help you. They won't mind your asking for information. What does not work is arrogance; what does work is modesty.

• Don't ask prying personal questions about others in the office. If you try to collect gossip, you'll instantly acquire the kind of reputation you don't want. You'll become known as a gossip yourself, someone not to be trusted.

When You Have Moved from a Large to a Small Company

An employee who changes from a large corporation to a small company may have difficulty adjusting and in making friends with a new set of peers. In a large corporation, an executive has set, defined responsibilities; in a small company, he or she may have to pinch-hit for anyone and everyone as necessity dictates. The newcomer who complains, acts uppity, or keeps talking about "how it was back at the other company" is in for trouble. If you keep making comparisons to your former company, others probably will find them pretty odious and superior sounding. As a newcomer, you should make a determined effort to "hang loose" — and to step in to help as needed. The opportunity to grow with a small company — to nurture it and enjoy the camaraderie as it prospers — is worth an exercise in humility on your part any time.

Being at Ease in Meeting and Greeting in the Business World

The art of meeting and greeting people with charm and efficiency is one of the most effective tools with which anyone in business or the professions can be armed. Meeting someone requires making an effort, putting oneself out, stepping forward, saying and doing something. A manager (or potential manager) can show himself to be a smooth, secure, knowing executive by that first gesture — the way he acts when introduced, introduces himself, or introduces someone else. For example, Tony Cordier sees an old colleague approaching from the other end of the airport terminal. He jumps up from his seat near his flight gate, reaches out warmly to shake the hand of the newly arrived passenger, and says, "Gregg! Tony Cordier, great to see you again!" (He gives his own name, in case Gregg has forgotten it.)

What's in a Name?

Everything. It means everything to the person you are properly introducing to someone else in your business life. It means everything to the person to whom you are introducing the newcomer, who will want to learn the other person's name correctly so that she won't be embarrassed later by having to ask for it again.

We're a nation of name-mumblers when we introduce ourselves or other people. All we need do is slow down and pronounce our names slowly, clearly, and distinctly; we may feel as though we are exaggerating our names, but it eases the problem of communication. We also don't pay much attention to people's last names anymore. Perhaps the reason why we've become so first-name oriented, and casual and sloppy about names in general, is that we just don't want to make the effort. In business it is well worth the effort to conscientiously learn the names of everyone with whom you interact, in and out of the office. When a manager remembers his contacts' full names (not just their given ones), they are flattered, their egos are enhanced, and relationships become more cordial as a result.

The Art of Introducing People

 "Business Protocol", Chapter 12

The protocol of making proper introductions is very logical: You properly introduce a lesser to a more important or senior person. For example, you would introduce:

• A younger person to an older person

• A peer in your company to a peer in another company

• A junior executive to a senior executive

• A fellow executive to a customer or client

• An unofficial person to an official person

• A fellow U.S. citizen to a peer from another country

Introductions can be hazardous. Here are some ways to sail through them:

• Explain who people are when you introduce them:

"Mr. Cogswell, I want my daughter, Cynthia Warren, to meet you. Cynthia, this is Mr. Gregory Cogswell, the president of this company."

"Jane, I'd like to introduce Harry Newman, my nephew. Harry, this is Dr. Jane Arrowsmith, head of our hospital's Pain Clinic."

"Georgio, I wanted June Treacher and Anthony Reynolds to meet you. They're college interns from Stanford spending the summer with our company. June and Anthony, this is Dottor Georgio Rizzoli of the Montecatini Corporation in Milano."

"Ambassador Ketchum, I'd like to present Liza Rawson, the Comptroller of our corporation. Liza, Ambassador Ketchum was formerly head of our embassy in Paris and is now a partner in Hockland and Crighton."

When you're introducing a younger person to an older one, for example, touch the arm of the older person and say his name first, then symbolically, in your mind, bring up to the person whose arm you are touching the junior person. This is the way you'll remember how to introduce people to people of rank and status.

Of course, if you are just introducing peers and friends to one another, a simple, "Bill, this is Andy Miller — Andy, meet Bill Laidlaw" will do it. And if you forget who is senior to whom and get all clutched up as to who to introduce to whom, take a deep breath and do the best you can. Even if you have forgotten names, just come up with the parts of the names you know, and no one will know the difference. Many is the time I've bluffed my way through introductions, because I remember either the first or the last name, but not both. "Mr. Parker, I'd like to introduce my old friend Steve from American Express. Steve, this illustrious gentleman is the head of the Jenkins Beer ad account." The fact that I could not remember Mr. Parker's first name nor Steve's last name simply didn't matter, because no one noticed it. They were too busy shaking hands and saying hello to one another.

• Give information when you introduce someone. Don't just call a person "Ambassador" without naming the country to which he or she is — or was — accredited. Don't just introduce people by name at a business party without giving their firm or profession or some piece of information that can serve as a jumping off point for conversation in that group.

• Remember to use titles when introducing people. You may know that woman well as "Jennifer Garrett." But when you are introducing her, it's important to give her title. Introduce her as "Dr. Jennifer Garrett." Your brother may be your brother, but when introducing him, if he is a judge, he should be referred to as "my brother, Judge William Doakes." A man you're introducing may have been your college roommate, but if he is of high political or appointive office, the people to whom you're presenting him should know it. Therefore, introduce him as "Steve Creighton, Congressman from California," instead of just "Steve Creighton." People want to know to whom they're speaking, so they can make appropriate comments.

• Some titles accompany their owners to their graves. Once an Ambassador, always an Ambassador. When a general retires, his family name is still preceded with his rank; when a high-ranking official no longer holds his post, he's introduced as "Governor," "Senator," or "Judge," all his life (see also "Proper Forms of Address," Chapter 12).

• If you forget someone's entire name when you know that person well, don't worry if you have a total lapse of memory. It happens to us all. Just laugh and make a joke of it. "Sometimes I can't even remember my own mother's name..." Confess on the spot. You will be forgiven, because every single person in this world forgets names. It's a very human failing. You will always be forgiven — unless you do it to your future mother-in-law, who is against the marriage.

• Be a sport: Always give your own name. Since there is a possibility — maybe even a probability — that the person you know, who is standing with some people you do not know, has forgotten your name and therefore cannot introduce you, help him out. Stick out your hand and give him your name ("Hello, Jim Schubert, good to see you"), to which he will reply, "Jim, did you think I had forgotten your name?" Of course, he has, but everyone is smiling, being introduced all around, everyone is happy, and you have saved the day by simply coming out with your name right away.

• If your last name is different from your spouse's (which, of course, occurs when a woman keeps her own name after marriage), it is important to communicate this fact when you are at social events together. I am a case in point, since I'm Letitia Baldrige during the day, but in the evening I'm Letitia Hollensteiner. If there is one thing my husband does not appreciate, it is to be introduced as Robert Baldrige, instead of Robert Hollensteiner. This lays the onus on me to introduce him properly whenever we're around people who know me but not him, and who always call me by my professional, maiden name of Baldrige. In these situations, I say very clearly, slowly, and distinctly, "This is my husband, Bob Hollensteiner," and if anyone starts to call him Mr. Baldrige, I jump right in and correct them (politely, of course). It's a question of communication. Men and women should be sensitive to their spouses' egos when they are in a business setting that is familiar to one but not the other.

When People Mis-Introduce You, Do You Correct Them?

If someone repeatedly mis-introduces you — giving you either the wrong name, title, or company name — don't make a dramatic episode out of it. Put a big smile on your face and whisper in the person's ear, "Just thought you'd like to know that my name is Jane Merson, not Mason"..."It's nothing at all serious, but I'm a lawyer with Simpson Thacher, not Covington & Burling"..."Just a small correction — I'm Colonel Morris, not Major Morris."

I am famous for introduction mistakes, because of always being in a hurry and not concentrating enough. I have been known to introduce husbands to wives, brothers to sisters, and divorced couples as though they were still married (the latter is particularly grim if one or both have remarried).

Remembering Names Takes Practice

The ability to remember names is an outstanding asset. Concentration is the key to remembering a large number of them — at least for a short space of time, such as during a party or a weekend meeting.

When you meet a person, concentrate on his name as it is given to you. Repeat it mentally while you say it aloud. "Glad to meet you, Mr. McChesney," you might say as your mind repeats the name silently two or three times and you also search for an identifying word association. He may have one wisp of hair standing up straight on his head" ("McChesney, wisp on top of head"). He may have unusual colored eyes ("McChesney, green cat's eyes"), very broad shoulders ("McChesney, wrestler's shoulders"), or an unusual pattern in his suit ("McChesney, tic-tac-toe suit"). If the name can be used in a word association with the person himself, concentrate on that. For example: "Mr. Burns, red hair," "Mr. Long, very tall," "Mrs. McIntosh, wearing a raincoat," etc. Remember one salient detail and it will fasten to that person's name like Velcro, at least for a while.

If you don't understand a name when it's given to you (and many introducers are hopelessly inept at articulating names when making introductions), don't be shy about asking for the name again: "I'm sorry, I didn't understand your name, and I want to know it." The other person should be flattered that you care enough to want to know.

If the other person repeats it but you still do not understand, ask for a repetition, even more apologetically this time: "I'm sorry, I just can't seem to catch the name."

This time the person should pronounce his name slowly so that you are able to understand it. If you repeat it aloud, his name will now stick in your mind. If his name is very complicated (like Dobyczescowitz, for example), ask him for his business card; if he doesn't have one, ask him to write his name on your notepad. (When I am out on business, I always carry a thin notepad with me, as do many business people.) By now he will either be very irritated or immensely pleased by your interest.

If you see someone you've met before but can't remember the name, say something like, "I remember meeting you at that American Express lunch at the Hilton last spring. I'm Agnes Catwell." The other person will be flattered to have been remembered, even if you didn't recall his or her name.

If you are entrusted with the responsibility of introducing people to each other at a corporate function, you will have to go through a lot of hard work in order to remember people's names and in order to pronounce them properly. When you do a good job of it, you cast a fine reflection on your company and on your own talents. People like to have their names and titles remembered and stated correctly. It's one of the emoluments in life to which one feels entitled.

Using Nicknames in the Workplace

An unflattering, ugly-sounding, or just plain comical nickname has no place in a conservative business situation. This kind of informality is fine in an art director's office, but not in the office of the vice-president for corporate finance. Besides, a nickname is often a put-down of the person.

Some people have the misfortune to grow up with their childhood nicknames firmly attached — "Chuckles," "Bubba," "Pepper," "Pooch," "Pits," "Spritz," etc. Friends who insist upon calling an executive by this kind of nickname should be kindly reminded by the executive: "Look, I'm not called that anymore. I'd appreciate your calling me Bill."

Everyone has the right to be addressed by a dignified name in the office, one that is neither silly nor deprecating. If your nickname is a pleasing shortened version of your name (such as "Charlie," "Bob," "Dick," etc.), there is no problem. But if Charlie wants to be called "Charles" in the workplace, all he has to do is keep reminding people to call him that. Once his proper name is fixed in other people's minds, he will become "Charles" to them forever.

The head of an insurance company recently circulated a memo to his company executives decreeing that "names, not nicknames will be used in this office." He added, "I happen to love dogs, but dogs, not their owners, are known by nicknames."

What's in a Handshake?

Everything. It's your first physical contact with someone, flesh to flesh. Your handshake is important from the point of view of:

• How you do it

• When you do it

• How it feels to someone else

A DESIRABLE HANDSHAKE FEELS:

Firm, strong, representative of a person who makes decisions, takes risks, and above all, takes charge

Warm and enthusiastic, as if you are really glad to meet that person

Dry, pleasant to the touch

AN UNDESIRABLE HANDSHAKE FEELS:

Hesitant, apologetic, almost as if you were saying, "I don't really want to shake your hand, nor am I a decision maker."

Weak, slippery, lifeless, like a handful of dead fish. Just as negative is the bone crusher handshake, which makes the other person feel in need of having his hand X-rayed.

Wet and clammy, or cold, as though you have been holding an iced drink all day

When Do You Shake Hands?

All the time. For instance:

• When you run into someone you know

• When you say goodbye to the same person

• When someone comes in from the outside to see you in your office, and when he leaves, too

• When someone enters your home, or when you enter someone else's home or when you take leave of one another

• When you meet someone you know in a restaurant

• When you're introduced to people in any business or social situation, and when you take leave of them

• When you are congratulating someone — after a speech, after an award presentation

• When you are consoling someone in this case you might hold the handshake for several seconds, then put your other hand on top of the two shaki..